@JustBeingEmma

My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”

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@TheAlexNevil

[group therapy]

Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr

Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.

Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.

@Donna_McCoy

Rules for a happy marriage:

3. Separate bank accounts

2. Separate data plans

1. Separate bathrooms

@TheCatWhisprer

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.

@ThugRaccoons

Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths

*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*

Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11

@OFalafel

I keep randomly shouting out ‘Broccoli’ and ‘Cauliflower’ – I think I might have Florets.

@Dawn_M_

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

@thedad

Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?

Son: Yes of course

Me: It doesn’t look like it

Son: oh you mean this week?

@KevinFarzad

PLEASE LEAVE CHRIS BROWN ALONE, in the woods, surrounded by a pack of wolves.

@daemonic3

[watching 13 Reasons Why]

WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die

ME: I know, crazy! Only 13

WIFE: What?

ME: What?