My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”

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[group therapy]

Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr

Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.

Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.


Rules for a happy marriage:

3. Separate bank accounts

2. Separate data plans

1. Separate bathrooms


Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.


Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths

*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*

Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11


I keep randomly shouting out ‘Broccoli’ and ‘Cauliflower’ – I think I might have Florets.


Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.


Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?

Son: Yes of course

Me: It doesn’t look like it

Son: oh you mean this week?


PLEASE LEAVE CHRIS BROWN ALONE, in the woods, surrounded by a pack of wolves.


[watching 13 Reasons Why]

WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die

ME: I know, crazy! Only 13

WIFE: What?

ME: What?