My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
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Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Yes
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!