My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
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Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands