My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
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The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”
I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.
I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right