My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.

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me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it


I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.


there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples


[feels adventurous]

As a kid: *climbs a tree*

As a teen: *dyes hair*

In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*

In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*


There are so many scary things in life:
-the woman in line behind me who just said “boughten”


Overheard a teenager watching Armageddon for the 1st time (after Bruce Willis blows up): “lol at least the hot one lived (Ben Affleck).”


I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”


My ex got drunk and left me at a bar so I called the police and reported a drunk driver.. #topahole