My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.

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Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.


The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN


No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.


GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi


[First Date]

No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.

[Second Date]

*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*


Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot


6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not


When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.