Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
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The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –
though she can be devilish at times.
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!
Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Money is the root of all larger amounts of money.