@LostFelicia

My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.

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@FredTaming

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

@TheBoydP

I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.

@mugkip

there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples

@mommajessiec

[feels adventurous]

As a kid: *climbs a tree*

As a teen: *dyes hair*

In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*

In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*

@liv_thatsme

There are so many scary things in life:
-fear
-hate
-murder
-injustice
-the woman in line behind me who just said “boughten”

@SCbchbum

Overheard a teenager watching Armageddon for the 1st time (after Bruce Willis blows up): “lol at least the hot one lived (Ben Affleck).”

@HatfieldAnne

I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”

@revious

My ex got drunk and left me at a bar so I called the police and reported a drunk driver.. #topahole