My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
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producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
estão todos miauvindo?
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Name another movie that mislead you?
