My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”
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Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
💁🏻♂️
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Still my favourite meme.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.