My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”
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Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor