My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”
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If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
I am preparing a divorce case with graphic compromising photos and they are scattered on my living room floor as I mark each one with exhibit stickers. My mom walks in and glances at the floor and says, “Oh! Are you making a scrapbook? I want to help!”
No. No you do not.
Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia