My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”
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If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
I support this random dude and all his protests
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently