My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
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Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)
Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?
Me: uh… someone from Virginia
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…