My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
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I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
is this a warning or an offer?
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”