My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
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My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.