My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.

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Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.

No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.


A taser, but for people who say, “everything happens for a reason.”


Her: so tell me a fun fact

Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!

H: I mean about yourself…

M: …I know the plural of octopus


Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow

Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy


I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.


My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.


I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.


CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.

Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.