My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
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Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
me as a parent
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?