@mommajessiec

My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.

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@MorticiaKate

Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?

Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”

My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*

@Brentweets

To err is human… To not know what err means is American.

@GingerHotDish

Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.

@velvettusk

♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫

@causticbob

BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

@Mirimade

I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.

@julie2288

“Do not iron”

Like that was ever going to happen…

@not_delicate

When cool people say “that shit is tight,” they mean it’s awesome but when I say it, please know it means I had too much cake for breakfast again