My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
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I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.