My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
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Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:
🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?
Doctors texting each other.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
starting a garage orchestra
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
