My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
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I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.