My husband says I talk in my sleep but I don’t believe him because nobody at work has ever mentioned it.

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“I think we should start touching other people.”

-Blind couple breaking up.


ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts


Her: Do you have any kids?
Me: I have 2 step kids
Her: None of your own?
Me: no
Her: How come?
Me: facials
Her: I’m sorry what?
Me: What?


Never underestimate a well placed “that’s what she said”. Unless your boss is standing behind you. Thanks for the heads up Michelle.


A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?


Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!

Me: yeah… she’s super tired

Friend: tired?

Me: it’s complicated


DOCTOR: Ted, you’re dying.

PATIENT: My name isn’t Ted.

DOCTOR (checking clipboard): Linda, you’re pregnant.


DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL


The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?


*throws away a paper clip I havenโ€™t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip