My husband says I talk in my sleep but I don’t believe him because nobody at work has ever mentioned it.

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My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.


[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]


My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.


Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.


Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.


Sorry, I can’t take your call right now, I’m all tied up.

-submissive’s answering machine.


For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.


The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute


“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6