@LoriLuvsShoes

My husband says I talk in my sleep but I don’t believe him because nobody at work has ever mentioned it.

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@causticbob

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

@justabloodygame

[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]

@thedailymarker

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

@ddsmidt

Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.

@metickleu

Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.

@JoshontheGo

Sorry, I can’t take your call right now, I’m all tied up.

-submissive’s answering machine.

@badbanana

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

@AmberTozer

The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute

@DamienFahey

“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6