Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe

*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.

3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again

Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

taking a toddler to the beach timeline:

-pack the entire house: 1 hour

-find parking: 35 mins

-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins

-set up all your stuff: 25 mins

-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)

-pack up… 🤣

“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

definitely did not do anything wrong

Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!

I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*

[First Day Working At The Zoo]

Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.

Boss: They actually mated with each other?

Me: Oh not with each other

A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”

I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder

Flirting is hard

The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent

Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.

wife: “man, we’re broke.”

me: “that’s all about to change!”

wife: “how?”

me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”

Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.

Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.

SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?

DAD: Wouldn’t be fair

SON: Why not?

DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy

My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*

I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.

Hitting it from behind is just how I drive

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!