My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
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fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
every. time.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?
No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
The day after Christmas is wild.
I had 6 sugar cookies & a cheese ball for breakfast
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Hawk o the mornin tuah
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.