Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school

Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.

HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.

ME: So I guess this is goodbye.

Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?

Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep

Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……

inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.

Previously On Persistence 😎

Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…

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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.

I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.

*Jumps out of bed

“Seize the day!!”

*Stubs toe

*Calls in sick

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together

Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly

Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it

My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle

Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*

Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:

Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!

Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!

Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!

If your going to insult me at least make me Google it

My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.

in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.

The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.

If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions

*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*