Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-

ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes

So I just moved into my new apartment.

Directly below me is a police station.

It would appear that I am above the law.

The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea

When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.

When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”

I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.

girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said

*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months

Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.

Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.

BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop

Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you

Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins

(shaved my back and shoulders)

[ first day working at a pet store ]

customer: can i see that fish bowl?

me: sure let me get his shoes

My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?

I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊

murderer: *stabbing me*

me: 🙂

murderer: doesn’t it hurt?

me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies

(after sex)

Would you mind completing this brief survey?

*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack

Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

This sounds bad:

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?

me: she thought she could fly

wife: did you yell at her?

me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen

Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME

She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!