Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon

Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards

15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please

The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.

Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.

Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend

This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.

You can just call me Opposite Barbie.

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

[traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you

I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.

[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”

[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”

[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”

I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

In banana years, I am bread.

6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆

I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.

Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.

Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.

Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.

Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.

My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol

wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on

My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa

Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?

Me: No way, Charles Manson!

Him: But I just..

Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS

HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years

Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*

HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please

HUSBAND: Why are you late?

ME: I was at church.

HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?

I march to the beat of my own dumb

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles

Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich

Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge