Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”

Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol

Date: So what’s your backstory?

Me: Arthritis.

I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl

Me: (exists)

Wasp: I have opinions about that

Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.

So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?

People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.

“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”

Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass

People:

I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…

I’m back.

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.

Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.

Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.

me: “it hurts when i pee”

doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”

McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns

Me: yep

McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family

Me: my what now?

A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend

Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.

“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring

I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

“Come out of your shell” they said.

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.

I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide

me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep

[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”

every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me