My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
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Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
what do you want
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*