My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
You Might Also Like
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Me sliding into hell like
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.