@Darlainky

My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.

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@tuckerflodman

[halftime]

Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*

@Sophie2078

Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?

@dshack8

3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave

@bonehugsnirony

If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

@WookieOnUnicorn

Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words

@Angibangie

-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?

-It’s haunted by a low level demon

Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful

@underalls

Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

@BobGolen

It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.

@panmidwest

THERAPIST:
what’s wrong?

WIFE:
he speaks in typos

ME:
EVERYTHING IS JUST FIND BRENDA!

THERAPIST:
ok maybe we should take 5

ME:
food idea

@TheAlexNevil

My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.