My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
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“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!