My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
You Might Also Like
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy