My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
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During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads