My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
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Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
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hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.