My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
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Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Artwork by Herta Burbe
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man