My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
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“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Me when I’m ovulating
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
I have so many questions.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do