Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”

Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…

“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.

First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright

I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?

Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.

[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me

I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.

kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance

Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?

I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*

broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex

woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere

Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.

Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.

hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you

The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it

*falls on hard times*

Hard times: Get off me.

got my gf a manicure for our anniversary

I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.

I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.

Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.

I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart

Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?

My Husband: Raising three kids

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.

My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.