Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[china shop]

Bull: *walks in*

Shopkeeper: oh no

Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager

Shopkeeper: OH NO

Aight bet

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it

ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*

I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.

I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.

[therapy]

WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter

ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny

“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”

Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.

“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.

Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory

No weirdos

I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.

a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”

Lmbo

Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors

My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?

Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion

Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.

DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2

REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries

Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts

If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.

I basically have 3 hairstyles…

Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.

4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.

*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”

I only eat vegetarians.

“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”

wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.

My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.