My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
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There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey