Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I…do not understand how electricity works.

I enjoy a good short stor

Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”

Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”

Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”

Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”

It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?

crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish

I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.

Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home

Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?

Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?

yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…

My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.

I love strapping my kids into their car seats.

It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.

Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.

Baby, it takes two to tango

But only one to tequila.

[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]

Me: Wow, you used to be hot

Wife: *death glare*

Me: …but not as hot as you are now

all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person

“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”

This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.

I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.

Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.

Airport security: no liquids on the plane

Me: ok *starts drinking it*

Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo

Surely it must be just Zealand by now.

Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.

Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!

Me: Funny how?

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.

According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.