@skittle624

My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.

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@Skoogeth

Jesus: [walking past a pond]

[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]

Jesus: [starts walking faster]

@kelkulus

The difference between men and women is that for men, “stabby” is not an emotion.

@ericsshadow

Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.

@ericsshadow

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.

@MUMSIEesq

Fun DIY Project Even YOU Can Do
Step 1: Flip over empty wine bottle
Step 2: Use base as weapon

@captainkalvis

DATE: I think marriage is sooo beautiful

ME: *trying to impress her* well my wedding is tomorrow you should come

@sarabellab123

My husband leaves water glasses lying around like he’s preparing for an invasion of water sensitive aliens.

@Inferno_V

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

@ArfMeasures

[the first ever boomerang]

HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t

@TheClifBob

2020 has really changed me, but not completely. For example, I haven’t showered in 3 days, but I still silently judge stinky people