My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
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FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before