My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.

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Jesus: [walking past a pond]

[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]

Jesus: [starts walking faster]


The difference between men and women is that for men, “stabby” is not an emotion.


Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.


Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.


Fun DIY Project Even YOU Can Do
Step 1: Flip over empty wine bottle
Step 2: Use base as weapon


DATE: I think marriage is sooo beautiful

ME: *trying to impress her* well my wedding is tomorrow you should come


My husband leaves water glasses lying around like he’s preparing for an invasion of water sensitive aliens.


Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.


[the first ever boomerang]

HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t


2020 has really changed me, but not completely. For example, I haven’t showered in 3 days, but I still silently judge stinky people