My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
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Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.