My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
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I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
I wouldn’t describe myself as an “adult”, per se. More like a “long child”.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Cha-ching is my safe word
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
🤭😂
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MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
