Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.

I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.

My spirit animal is fried chicken

[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.

[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.

[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*

My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..

OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!

ME: Thanks I could really use the help

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.

Brands during Pride

Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards

Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.

Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”

Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em

When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.

Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.

The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands

It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.

My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’

You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet

oh no, steve’s working tonight

How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?

Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.

Thyme. He meant thyme.

my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes