My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
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“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…
me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Donkey Kong sommelier
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Spotted in New Orleans.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear