Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers

TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?

*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*

Me: Yes.

Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?

Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN

The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?

My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.

me: do u take walk-ins?

morgue: what

Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody

Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?

Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.

Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.

Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?

when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.

*on walkie-talkies

Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically

Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.

How to meet a girl:

1) Walk into a bar.

2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”

3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.

Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.

I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…

“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”

MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT

“Did you check his hand?”

NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait

Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.

*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter

My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*

Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.

did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app

Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.

Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about

Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night

Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick