Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*

ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*

MAGICIAN: holy shit

The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕

You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell

Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.

Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.

I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.

*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*

“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”

Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.

[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime

OMG you guys!! I have abs

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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

Man these end times are taking forever

[DOG COP TV DRAMA]

DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!

SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.

Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.

Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.

DAD: please help find my daughter

DETECTIVE: what does she look like

DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW

Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever

[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!

This anagram machine is out of order.

When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’

Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?

Questions I’m asked before 7am

there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.

i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.

Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂

Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood

Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.

Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl

If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox

me: I’m not feeling well

doctor: take your glove off

CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Buy presents.

2) Pretend you could afford it

3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.