Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!

I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.

As long as that distance is 300 miles.

#Caturday

“Can you describe your self in two words?”

– Lazy.

It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors

Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.

The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.

WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?

DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.

The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.

The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

I dug a small hole in the Earth.

I did a handstand.

Im wearing the Earth as a hat.

Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd

Me: um technically the plural is *fish*

“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”

Me:

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

[restaurant]

date: this chicken is a little dry

me: I think my burger‘s undercooked

waiter: how is everything

me: it’s great

date: so good

It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy

When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s

i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat

72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.

(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.

Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.

So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.

I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…

Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!

And I think this is my villain origin story.

PDF: *pops up at 176%*

Why are you yelling at me

going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything

People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.

-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.

The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.