My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
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Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
sometimes i miss this memes
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.