Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is

scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask

fred: really no idea who it is

scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–

fred: just no way to know

the prophecies have been fulfilled

Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different

*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*

fava beans
a nice chianti
dave

When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.

Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.

After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.

Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.

It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.

me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds

Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.

ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what

NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that

And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is

One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*

Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”

[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.

Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.

How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.

My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.

I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.