Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.

Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.

“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”

God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones

Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?

God: eh you’ll figure it out

Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.

Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?

Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit

If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.

Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style

Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it

“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.

*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*

“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”

when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand

when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas

BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-

ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]

*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: Reciting pottery.

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good

old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.

Things that alarm my 5yo

Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick

Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt

Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce

If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.