Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.

Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

Sincerely,
The rest of the human race

I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.

My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs

So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer

This joke is 7 years old

Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself

My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.

Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do

*dangling legs in the ocean*

🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺

riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go

“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”

Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.

Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!

Date: 🙂

Fig: 🙁

Prune: bro, lol

*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.

Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.

Me: I miss you.

My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.

Me: No, I just miss —

My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.

wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!

ME: Dave’s coming over for tea

WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?

DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas

“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym

when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom

i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.

“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”

Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”

Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.

I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.