My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
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When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Strangers have the best candy.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh