My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
You Might Also Like
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies