Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in

air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.

*turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.

Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.

The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.

Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace

[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion

If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down

Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho

Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.

Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers

*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*

Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.

If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.

I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.

I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”

[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*

Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.

We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask

So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.

Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.

*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.

Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox

Witch Son: ok broomer

My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.

*group chat*

Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.

[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]

*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.

behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”