Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
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CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
i meant to share this earlier
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman