Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: can I ask one last question

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot

[gunshots]

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck

Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?

How I handle confrontation:

Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*

6: What are you making? It smells terrible!

Me: *literally just boiling water*

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.

constantly working on myself.

“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”

folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah

[wine and cheese]

HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?

370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks

Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention

Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body

There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.

We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.

Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot

I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex

And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double

I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move

Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶

I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”

Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf

[carnival]

me: I’d like an elephant!

face painter: on your cheek or…?

me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised

SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it

[a light glows in the corner]

ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?

What do you call a denim expert?

A jeanius.

Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.

Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.

I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.