Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

feeling dizzy

highly recommended, many stars

Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.

PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

“You drive me to drink!”

-I shout at my taxi driver.

Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.

E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.

you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??

[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]

Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?

7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV

For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.

“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”

A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig

Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work

Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse

me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house

son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me

Did we do it, did we save the daylight

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body

My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream

[on date]

HER: What are you doing on your phone?

ME: An update

HER: What update?

ME: Not much, what up with you?

Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.

My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”

Did you know?

Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.

Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.

Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…

Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.

Girl: yes baby, punish me.

Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.

[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.

Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?

Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?