My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
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friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest