My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
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nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Thrilling chase underway
Showerkraut
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!
accidentally clicking the spam button on someone you email regularly but being too lazy to undo it and seeing how it plays out
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”