Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
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Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Just finished writing my will. In TOTALLY UNRELATED news, I’m about to try resolving some issues regarding my iTunes library.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Hey, babygirl, I have ten bucks and a BOGO coupon for McDonalds. Wanna come watch me eat two Big Macs?
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”