@Sassmouth14

My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.

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@MissHavisham

Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.

@mela_shea

Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!

Him:

Me:

Him: that’s a plastic produce bag

Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!

@natedeschaine

Just finished writing my will. In TOTALLY UNRELATED news, I’m about to try resolving some issues regarding my iTunes library.

@elle91

What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?

@onion_an

Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”

Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”

*sound of hooves in kitchen*

@daemonic3

“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture

@FuckabillyRex

Hey, babygirl, I have ten bucks and a BOGO coupon for McDonalds. Wanna come watch me eat two Big Macs?

@ElleOhHell

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

@dave_cactus

Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.

@FunnyBison

ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”