My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
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RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
had to share :’)
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
I’d love this…lol
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*