My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
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Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
WHY would you be happy about this?
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off