My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
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Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
🙋♀️
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
The news is so predictable nowadays
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.