My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
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The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
that wasn’t the question
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.