My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
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Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Good news
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well