My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
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People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”
and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.