My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
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I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
British websites use biscuits.
i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Why is no one talking about this?!
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
