My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
You Might Also Like
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Meat Cute
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
lost dog
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”