My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
You Might Also Like
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
This is my emotional support knife.
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
#Caturday
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
-No, there isn’t a town called ”Garbage” anywhere in England, stop looking at that map. I hate to break this to you, but when our neighbors called you ”King of garbage” that wasn’t a compliment
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
