My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
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Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
2 years later
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Please do it!
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree