Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.

You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.

You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript

she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face

MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.

ME:

PROFESSOR:

ME: Mocktopus.

Husband: Should we hit the gym today?

Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?

People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.

This strip mall certainly is misleading

And I probably should put my clothes back on now.

After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.

[help desk at the mall]

Her: can I help you?

Me: I want this desk to help me

Her: it doesn’t work that way

Me: it doesn’t look busy

Her: it’s a desk, sir

Me: a help desk

Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.

Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry

My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s

[Sits on chair backwards]

Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.

Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.

Me: So tired

Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…

M: Please don’t

B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?

Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?

*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*

H- Are you waving at the ground?

Me-Yes to both

one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life

20s: I want to see the world!

40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.

Possum 911: What’s your emergency

Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!

Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?

Possum: Oh yeah

I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.

Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be

My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying

Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!

Me: I know

Hub: Pass the foot powder.

~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again