Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse

when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of

Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.

[being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*

A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”

I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.

Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.

“Ninja please” -Japanese people

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!

ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.

can’t catch a break

It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.

Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*

– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.

When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”

mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk

An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.

I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.

I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.

i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn

“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck

Art by Pastelkatto

In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.

127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake