My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
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Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.